I was raised in a family who, for three generations from 1920 - 1982, published a daily newspaper, a weekly advertising tabloid, and a regional 'offset printing service' (owned the first offset printing press in my home state). Though I didn't pursue a career in media, I wasn't the 'sitting at a desk type', I have always fancied the idea of being a columnist. Not a proofreader, not hard news beat reporter, but a straight to the top, speak my mind, authoritive, influential, power wielding, force of the pen who could made a difference!  Ha, my father sold out just as the internet was coming online, eventually killing print media, and I want about my career and chosen passion. 

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So, now that I have plenty of time, I've decided to give a whirl. I have named my column Dear Assy and will I pen my articles under the name of Asshogail Van Buren. Pronounced exactly as it sounds: Ass-ho-gail Van Bur-en. Of course, none of you know my real name, nor the inspiration behind the name of the column or my pen name. The column will be posted as the first comment under the weekly posting, at least until the column is picked by the New York Post, Washington Post, London Times, then syndicated to all the leading publications world wild, I mean wide. 

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• When considering any DIY project/job/repair - household, auto, equipment, or otherwise - Always take the amount of time you think the job will take and multiply that by 3, because that will be the actual amount of time the project will take. Everyone forgets to account for the time that will be spent rummaging through the workshop, garage and boxes searching for correct tools and attachments; or the time you’ll spend filing through the thousands of pieces of hardware, supplies and spare parts you’ve socked away looking for the correct bolt, screw, nail, nut, fitting, washer, gasket, anchor, union, hinge, bracket, or countless other whatever elses; nor the time to make the inevitable, unexpected trips to the supply store because you broke it, didn’t buy enough this, ran out of that, didn’t buy enough these, or bought the wrong those.   

 

• Never pick your nose while eating buffalo wings or while dicing jalapeño peppers. On a related topic, never eat your boogers in front of others or in public. And on a less related topic, while in public, never put your hand down the front or rear of your pants to adjust, scratch or pick in public, and for God’s sake don’t sniff your hand after the fact.

 

• If you watch FOX NEWS more than two hours per day, you MUST force yourself to watch at least one hour of MSNBC per day. Foregoing this regime precludes you from posting, commenting, or sharing any type of political propaganda BS on social media. Otherwise, you will be immediately tagged and identified as a blind, ignorant, stupid, idiotic, partisan, trolling, zombie dunderhead and subjected to the disgusting, unacceptable, vitriolic hatred from the legions of countless other blind, ignorant, stupid, idiotic, partisan, trolling, zombie dunderheads online.

 

• If you manage a restaurant, when writing the weekly work schedule, always assume that the dishwasher will be a no- call, no-show on every shift.

 

• When heading to the restroom to take a number two, before dropping your drawers and taking a seat, always check the toilet paper level, of course, but also never forget your cell phone. Or, if you’re over 65, the daily edition of your local newspaper.

 

• Never expect a courtesy call from a family member who is on their way to your house. The unexpected knock at the front door from your mother, sister, brother or father, and the following innocent sounding, ‘Oh, did I get you at the wrong time’, ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were busy’, ‘I’ll just be a minute’, or the ‘I was just passing by’, is a premeditated, privileged liberty we all take to snoop, surprise, irritate, impose, catch, cackle, test, or tease the ones we love. So, even if you are home alone, young and making babies, or older and getting frisky with your spouse… keep it in another room behind a door and be prepared.

 

• If it’s been 10 years since your last high school class reunion, insist that a mandatory name tag rule be imposed for all attendees, including the maiden name of all married females. An exception to this rule can be waived if, during the first day of festivities, the organizers have scheduled a game of “guess who the fuck I am“ and have procured a creative array of prizes.

 

 

 

• NEVER, EVER shave your private parts, for several reasons.

 

1. It’s disgusting. Stubble is only acceptable on a man’s face, or a woman’s pits and legs (though smoothness is preferred, and stubble rash isn’t solely caused by kissing nor limited to your partner’s cheeks).  

2. Nicks and cuts in those areas can be quite painful, irritating, and enough discomfort to cause your pleasure areas to be ‘out of order’, or ‘off limits’ for an indeterminant period of time.

3. If the length and density of your bushy bushes become overwhelming, a little ‘trim’, or ‘sculping’ is acceptable. But not too much, only enough to improve appearance, and maintain texture and softness. Lush and beautiful landscape is very desirable, while a barren, sandy desert is not fit for humanity.

4. IF, and I mean IF, you have a daredevil gene in your DNA and are uncontrollably driven to experience the thrill of undertaking this stunt, I recommend not going solo. Instead, find a fellow daredevil partner, someone you are wildly attracted to, the thrill of the feat, though temporary, will be much, much more exciting!

 

• Never lie in the workplace, not to your peers, superiors, subordinates, customers, or vendors. Never take credit for someone else’s success. Never blame another for your failure. Never villainize another, thinking it makes you the hero. Never tear down another, believing it builds you up.

 

Become the most competent, proficient, collaborative, and highest performer. Be humble, ethical, hardworking, self-aware, and practice humility. Recognize your superiors and pass credit for the successes and you will be recognized and benefit mutually. Recognize your subordinates and pass credit for the successes and you will be recognized and benefit mutually. Make heroes of those around you and you will be a hero amongst heroes. Then your confidence will soar and you will become a truth teller. You will have no fear of taking responsibility for the mistakes or assume accountability for the failures. You will never be questioned or subjected to punishment, you will be valued and respected.

 

Just don’t ever expect the same from others, and that’s perfectly fine! Be patient, don’t be frustrated, don’t give up. Many will have fallen by the wayside. You will eventually be recognized as the most valuable player. Because in the end, right always prevails and best finishes on top!